I had a nightmare last night that still had me shaking after I reached full consciousness this morning. Usually, I dream about shit like pink cotton candy clouds, glass castles, glitter falling from the sky, people calling me princess, and earth shattering orgasms; but, last night I could feel my heart breaking over and over with every bitter realization of the reality of what I am: a total bitch.
Somewhere in the darkest part of my body, I know that something is watching me and waiting for me to fall on my ass. Whatever it is, it’s black, covered in the shiniest patented leather, and always slightly out of my direct field of vision. Sometimes in the darkest of places, it will stand in front of me and I can faintly see its smiling teeth glaring at my frightened face. Those teeth shine brightest in the moonlight. The doctors call this dark monster Anxiety. Luckily, I’ve learned to live harmoniously, almost happily, with my demon. But, last night it threw me for a loop.
In the beginning of my dream, from an aerial view, I watched myself walking in a hazy fog towards a mailbox. I kissed the hand written love letters I was holding and watched them go down the drain in the mailbox—I knew I had made a mistake.
4-7 days later, I received a response in the form of silence. On the 10th day, face gleaming with naivety, I opened a recklessly formatted text message that said he was sorry for hurting me and that I was a mistake. I felt my heart breaking and my tear ducts welling up; but, also, I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t cry; I never cry. Someone famously once said that she would never cry over a boy because her mascara was too expensive, as was mine.
Weirdly enough, I was heavily relieved because my worst fears had come to life. I was not partially rejected—I was fully, 100%, whole heartedly rejected by this mysterious person that I was in love with. This mysterious human was somehow different than all my other romantic interests– the bitch-ass-pieces-of-shit I was used to. But, somehow, I was okay letting this amazing human go.
What had me shaking this morning wasn’t the rejection, but how quickly I got over it. I realized how quickly I get over heartbreak in real life and how fast I am to throw shit on someone’s name.
I might be a cold-hearted cunt with a black void where my heart should be, but at least I know how to not let things effect me. I am filled with galaxies of mental space that allow me to discard the things and the people that make me unhappy.
How did I get this way? Easy. I made friends with my demon. I accept Anxiety’s evil premonitions as truth and the best possible outcome as fantasy.
As for the one seemingly perfect boy who I naively sent the letters to in the dream? Lump him in with the rest of bitch-ass-pieces-of-shit. Not because he’s necessarily the same as them, but because I owe it to myself to feel safe. He won’t notice.
I will let my demon eat him alive and turn him into something he is not.
Tonight when I dream, I will write another letter to him. I’ll let him know that I’m fucking crazy and that I’ll kill him in his fucking sleep.
Anyways, I hated that dream. I didn’t even orgasm.