The Week before Break: Keeping Up My Sanity With a Bratty Rant



Not to be dramatic, but I’d rather have someone churn butter in my ass than be in the library right now. I figured I’d dive right into this one considering the immense pain I am under with being tasked to write a comprehensive analysis of a specific contemporary world issue in under 2,000 words by Wednesday. I am not saying I don’t care about world politics; what I am saying is that I would rather watch my friends take tequila body shots off of me while brave strangers quiver with disgust in the background.

Honest to God, I’ve been pumping out these dry, half-scholarly essays once a week for around four months. I’m at the point where I might start this week’s essay with “ok so like”, refer to NATO as “BAE”, mention how Putin dragged the hell out of ISIS, and finish the conclusion with “ya feel me, nigga?” just to see what happens.

Don’t get me wrong– I am hashtag blessed to go to this amazeballs school in this amazeballs city; but shit, where do these professors get off on doing their job so thoroughly around the holiday season? Is it too much to ask that the homework assignment for one night be to work on our mental health by taking a day to kayak down the feces infested Potomac river? Or better yet: to smoke a jay and ruminate on the importance of what we’ve learned in school thus far? Can a bitch just get a night to catch up on Scandal?

I love school and I love learning, I really do– but please, my dear university, give me a break. I am trying to keep up my sanity; but how am I supposed to do that when I don’t even have time to keep up with the Kardashians?


The Princess and the Salamander

tumblr_nfke6hiZy51tzjgi2o1_500Zola, the alien princess, was busy chipping wood from a tree so she could drink the juices of her planet. Suddenly, up popped a little black caterpillar from the foliage. “Beep-Beep-Beep (roughly translates to “hello” in our language),” said the teeny tiny thing, “I came from the center of the planet to bring you some news, my sweet princess.” Delighted, Zola buried her face in her slimy hair. She said, “BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! Tell me everything you little angel of a salamander.” “Well, my name is Pinky and I am the sole proprietor of a particular set of knowledge–wonderful knowledge– that I am about to impart onto you.” “Go on”, squeaked the princess in a daze. “Now, Now. Slow down you beautiful creature. First, I must crawl closer to you so I can see your face clearly”. The princess let Pinky come closer and closer. Pinky said, “Dear princess, let me climb onto your hills of hair, on the top of your tiara so I can feel your presence”. Princess Zola let the little caterpillar climb all the way to the tippy top of her silver studded crown. “Oh, but, Princess,” whispered Pinky, “But, Princess. Let me crawl down your face a little so I can whisper in your ear.” Princess Zola obliged. Little Pinky wiggled his way into the ear canal of the princess. Princess Zola said ok. “Let me tell you the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard my dear girl. Let me tell you about what I’ve heard.” “What have you heard little animal?” “I’ve heard a great many things.” “Such as what,” she said while wiggling in the discomfort of a little bug invading in her delicate ear.

“You, sweet child, have fallen under my spell. You are compelled to do the things I tell. But, do not worry pretty girl, you remain as lovely as a pearl. Only good can come of this, nothing will go amiss. Just wait patiently, for my poison covered kiss.”

Upset at the idea of being controlled, Zola said, “How so, Pinky? I can still run free through the fields of lemons and I can still kiss the ground. I can do a lot of things that you’ve never told me to do when you weren’t around! I can put glitter on my tongue. I can sing from deep within my gorgeous lungs. I can break open my legs into a pattern of dance so intricate, you would shutter in the glory of its ambivalence. I can… I can…”, the princess spiraled off into a long list of can do for what seemed like eons. She did all of these things she listed, if only to guard her autonomy and her freedom to prove the little animal wrong.

“Oh Zola, soon you will see,” insidiously whispered the little caterpillar under the threshold of Zola’s hearing, “soon you will see what I say is true. The princess of fire is deeply imbedded inside of you.”

Gently, yet violently, the little caterpillar bit the princess in her ear and everything went dark for Zola.


“ZOLA. ZOLA. ZOLA,” a dark room of men covered in crosses screamed, “Come back. Fight the demon inside of you”. In the corner of the moist room sat a sunken parent, drunk in her own disbelief; Zola’s eyes rolled from her brain back to where they should be. Facing forward, Zola gasped under her breath, “Where am I and where is the little bug in my ear telling me nonsensical fallacies?”

“She’s awake,” one of the men covered in crosses yells into the other room.

In walk four tall humans clad in blue, badges, and guns: “Zola Mary Rekelike, you are under arrest for the breaking and entering of a hospital during closed hours, as well as the murder of fourteen people; the last of which was the newborn baby.”

Dizzy and lost, Zola asked herself where the caterpillar had gone and how she ended up here in chains. Still very much so confused, she asked the scary men to repeat their statement; she realized she could barely hear a thing out of one ear. She cocked her head to the side and out slowly dripped the darkest, blackest, most sinister, demonic unidentifiable matter ever seen by the likes of a human.

The officers repeated their statement and took her away.