The Princess and the Salamander

tumblr_nfke6hiZy51tzjgi2o1_500Zola, the alien princess, was busy chipping wood from a tree so she could drink the juices of her planet. Suddenly, up popped a little black caterpillar from the foliage. “Beep-Beep-Beep (roughly translates to “hello” in our language),” said the teeny tiny thing, “I came from the center of the planet to bring you some news, my sweet princess.” Delighted, Zola buried her face in her slimy hair. She said, “BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! Tell me everything you little angel of a salamander.” “Well, my name is Pinky and I am the sole proprietor of a particular set of knowledge–wonderful knowledge– that I am about to impart onto you.” “Go on”, squeaked the princess in a daze. “Now, Now. Slow down you beautiful creature. First, I must crawl closer to you so I can see your face clearly”. The princess let Pinky come closer and closer. Pinky said, “Dear princess, let me climb onto your hills of hair, on the top of your tiara so I can feel your presence”. Princess Zola let the little caterpillar climb all the way to the tippy top of her silver studded crown. “Oh, but, Princess,” whispered Pinky, “But, Princess. Let me crawl down your face a little so I can whisper in your ear.” Princess Zola obliged. Little Pinky wiggled his way into the ear canal of the princess. Princess Zola said ok. “Let me tell you the most exciting thing you’ve ever heard my dear girl. Let me tell you about what I’ve heard.” “What have you heard little animal?” “I’ve heard a great many things.” “Such as what,” she said while wiggling in the discomfort of a little bug invading in her delicate ear.

“You, sweet child, have fallen under my spell. You are compelled to do the things I tell. But, do not worry pretty girl, you remain as lovely as a pearl. Only good can come of this, nothing will go amiss. Just wait patiently, for my poison covered kiss.”

Upset at the idea of being controlled, Zola said, “How so, Pinky? I can still run free through the fields of lemons and I can still kiss the ground. I can do a lot of things that you’ve never told me to do when you weren’t around! I can put glitter on my tongue. I can sing from deep within my gorgeous lungs. I can break open my legs into a pattern of dance so intricate, you would shutter in the glory of its ambivalence. I can… I can…”, the princess spiraled off into a long list of can do for what seemed like eons. She did all of these things she listed, if only to guard her autonomy and her freedom to prove the little animal wrong.

“Oh Zola, soon you will see,” insidiously whispered the little caterpillar under the threshold of Zola’s hearing, “soon you will see what I say is true. The princess of fire is deeply imbedded inside of you.”

Gently, yet violently, the little caterpillar bit the princess in her ear and everything went dark for Zola.


“ZOLA. ZOLA. ZOLA,” a dark room of men covered in crosses screamed, “Come back. Fight the demon inside of you”. In the corner of the moist room sat a sunken parent, drunk in her own disbelief; Zola’s eyes rolled from her brain back to where they should be. Facing forward, Zola gasped under her breath, “Where am I and where is the little bug in my ear telling me nonsensical fallacies?”

“She’s awake,” one of the men covered in crosses yells into the other room.

In walk four tall humans clad in blue, badges, and guns: “Zola Mary Rekelike, you are under arrest for the breaking and entering of a hospital during closed hours, as well as the murder of fourteen people; the last of which was the newborn baby.”

Dizzy and lost, Zola asked herself where the caterpillar had gone and how she ended up here in chains. Still very much so confused, she asked the scary men to repeat their statement; she realized she could barely hear a thing out of one ear. She cocked her head to the side and out slowly dripped the darkest, blackest, most sinister, demonic unidentifiable matter ever seen by the likes of a human.

The officers repeated their statement and took her away.


A Creation Story: Human Nature


Part I: The birth of all that is good

In a land 40,000 lightyears into the blackness of space, there lived a little planet devoid of the human race. There, the sparkle creatures roamed far and wide. From the tops of the fuzz covered mountains to the pink sands of the candy cane covered beaches, the sparkle creatures danced around carelessly as they sparkled in the sun all day without inhibition.

One night, the green people gathered in the jungle for a play date. They danced in the trees. I think they balanced on the leaves.

The girls grew their hair to their waist; it looked like a hurricane rushing waters into the sea. The boys wore no shoes and smoked a lot of weed.

The moon was full and caused the jungle to shine like shattered diamonds. So, the mini piglets ran wild and kissed the girls. Birds played the disco music to which the green people moved freely.

The infinite beings were all kids inside. They all knew the importance of play and the significance of water. Love was unbound and carefree.

Part II: The birth of all that is bad

But, one day, a stranger named Evil came and showed the green people new riches.

Frightening pink clouds filled with glitter and sugar rose above them and rained through the next three days. Becoming brainwashed by greed, the green people wanted more and more of the fascinating magic rain. The green people changed their hearts and traded their souls to the universe’s evil brother for just another three days of the pretty rain. The universe’s evil brother demanded that the green people clean themselves up and lead lives with silly purpose in return for more magic rain.

Most everyone agreed.

At the end of the three days, the girls cut and brushed their hair. The boys put their clothes back on. The piglets ran in fear as the green people tried to enslave them. So, the big entity in the sky, The Universe, took away the piglets from the people for mistreating them and replaced them with mosquitos.

The mosquitos kissed the girls who had cut their hair on the flesh of their necks. The mosquitoes planned attacks on the boys who now wore shoes and smoked nothing but time.

Eventually, everyone who sold their soul would perish to the ground.

Part III: The birth of hope

Yet, there did lay two selfless and generous lovers left in the pack of green people who did not trade their souls to Evil because their souls belonged to each other. They were the blinding light that caused others to turn away in shame. The universe’s evil bother plotted to change the couple time and time again. Eventually, time caused the boy to dull as his heart was taken with the temptation Evil presented to him over and over again.

When she noticed she was loosing her soul because of the boy’s greed, the girl ditched the boy and jumped into the sky to live with the piglets away from the temptation of Evil. While the boy perished with the others, she lived in freedom.

Part IV: The birth of the good and bad in human nature

She eventually settled on a planet a galaxy away named Earth and proceeded to spread her wings and the ideology of the green people all around the planet; she grew green things everywhere and planted love in the crust of the inhabitants. She promised to protect the ideas of love and freedom forever on this planet.

Today, we call this girl Nature.

Yet, Evil still wishes to hurt this girl’s new planet as a form of revenge for reeling against his ill intentions. She battles every day against the Universe’s evil brother who wishes to make the inhabitants of the Earth, human beings, fall to greed and destruction like the green people.

Although Nature and Evil bitterly fight everyday, worry not children. Every time you see green roots crack through the surface of the concrete that destroyed trees or see birds making nests with the piles of trash that cover the jungle or you see a stranger smile kindly in your direction or you have an orgasm that leaves you wailing, take comfort in knowing Nature is prevailing.

The end.


Note: this is a story I wrote a year ago or maybe two years ago; I was probably high on something beautiful and looking at the ocean or the stars. I think the moral of the story is that we shouldn’t succumb to the evil’s of capitalism because it’s destroying us from the inside out and probably eating our souls as a snack.

The Monster


I had a nightmare last night that still had me shaking after I reached full consciousness this morning. Usually, I dream about shit like pink cotton candy clouds, glass castles, glitter falling from the sky, people calling me princess, and earth shattering orgasms; but, last night I could feel my heart breaking over and over with every bitter realization of the reality of what I am: a total bitch.


Somewhere in the darkest part of my body, I know that something is watching me and waiting for me to fall on my ass. Whatever it is, it’s black, covered in the shiniest patented leather, and always slightly out of my direct field of vision. Sometimes in the darkest of places, it will stand in front of me and I can faintly see its smiling teeth glaring at my frightened face. Those teeth shine brightest in the moonlight. The doctors call this dark monster Anxiety. Luckily, I’ve learned to live harmoniously, almost happily, with my demon. But, last night it threw me for a loop.


In the beginning of my dream, from an aerial view, I watched myself walking in a hazy fog towards a mailbox. I kissed the hand written love letters I was holding and watched them go down the drain in the mailbox—I knew I had made a mistake.

4-7 days later, I received a response in the form of silence. On the 10th day, face gleaming with naivety, I opened a recklessly formatted text message that said he was sorry for hurting me and that I was a mistake. I felt my heart breaking and my tear ducts welling up; but, also, I felt a sense of relief. I didn’t cry; I never cry. Someone famously once said that she would never cry over a boy because her mascara was too expensive, as was mine.


Weirdly enough, I was heavily relieved because my worst fears had come to life. I was not partially rejected—I was fully, 100%, whole heartedly rejected by this mysterious person that I was in love with. This mysterious human was somehow different than all my other romantic interests– the bitch-ass-pieces-of-shit I was used to. But, somehow, I was okay letting this amazing human go.

What had me shaking this morning wasn’t the rejection, but how quickly I got over it. I realized how quickly I get over heartbreak in real life and how fast I am to throw shit on someone’s name.


I might be a cold-hearted cunt with a black void where my heart should be, but at least I know how to not let things effect me. I am filled with galaxies of mental space that allow me to discard the things and the people that make me unhappy.

tumblr_n7a0ofyKqz1qhm5bho1_500I am always happy.

How did I get this way? Easy. I made friends with my demon. I accept Anxiety’s evil premonitions as truth and the best possible outcome as fantasy.

As for the one seemingly perfect boy who I naively sent the letters to in the dream? Lump him in with the rest of bitch-ass-pieces-of-shit. Not because he’s necessarily the same as them, but because I owe it to myself to feel safe. He won’t notice.

I will let my demon eat him alive and turn him into something he is not.

Tonight when I dream, I will write another letter to him. I’ll let him know that I’m fucking crazy and that I’ll kill him in his fucking sleep.

Anyways, I hated that dream. I didn’t even orgasm.